Something quite unbelievable happened to me this month while perusing the shelves of my local PDSA.  There I was, flicking idly through a Choose Your Own Adventure book with a big cock drawn on the inside cover, when the middle aged woman behind the counter approached and asked if she could help.  I politely declined her offer, then was astounded when she asked: "This you shopping for your Tat Bag thing, is it?".

I was struck dumb.  How could she know of the Tat Bag?  Was she some kind of mind reading witch?  An android superspy from the thirty-eighth century?  Or a friend of my Mum's?  As I would later discover, it was one of those three, although possibly not the one you suspect.

Okay, it probably is the one you expect. but that still doesnt detract from the fact that the Tat Bag's reputation is growing.  Or doesn't detract all that much, anyway.  It came as a proper shock at the time, let me tell you.

Almost - but not quite - as much of a shock as this month's first item:

Item 1: Harry Secombe - If I Ruled the World
Cost: 50p
Purchased: PDSA, Fort William

Back in 1964 it appears Sir Harry Secombe had aspirations some way beyond presenting weekly TV Godfest, Highway.  While many megalomaniacs may elect to keep their dark plans to themselves, former Goon Sir Harry elected to release his manifesto for a new world order in Long Play vinyl format.  It was a bold move, and one which mercifully failed to pay off.

I don't have a record player, so am - perhaps fortunately - unable to listen to this album.  I say fortunately, because I feel it's not unreasonable to suspect that Secombe may have hidden some kind of subliminal mind control in amongst the tracks, which would have been implanted in my brain the second the needle hit the first groove.  I may be many things, but an unwitting pawn in Sir Harry Secombe's planned domination of the planet I am not.

There's not really anything more to say about this other than that it's very easy to imagine that the photograph on the cover of the LP actually depicts Harry during the relaying of his manifesto to a room full of dinner guests.

"The world under your command sounds like a lovely place, Harry."
"Oh, it would be, Marjorie, it would be...  Of course, something would have to be done about the Negros."

After discovering this album I got to thinking what I'd do if I ruled the world instead of Harry Secombe.  The answers can be found in the "Dear People of Earth..." letter which is around here somewhere.  Curse this new navigation system!

Item 2: Floella Benjamin's Jamboree
Cost: 50p
Purchased: Cancer Research UK, Fort William

I was a little taken aback when I discovered this video hidden behind Dances With Wolves on the video shelf of the Cancer Research shop, due to the fact that just the day before I had written the below e-mail to Floella Benjamin herself:

Item 3: Action Force Video
Cost: 50p
Purchased: PDSA, Fort William

It's back to the PDSA for a cheapo VHS double bill with the boys from G.I. Joe.  I was never hugely interested in Action Force as a kid, though since watching this I've realised why so many people have suggested I write A Letter to Cobra Commander to go along with the one to Skeletor.   

In fairness, though, Cobra Commander is not the only fuckwit in the ranks, and pretty much everyone in the series seems to be packing very little in the old common sense department.  I'm assuming the entire series was redubbed for the UK, otherwise it appears everyone in Cobra talks with an outrageously upper class English accent.  Or perhaps Cobra is what happened to the handful of Oxford and Cambridge graduates from the 1980's who didn't go into television comedy.  I fear we shall never know.

I was initially unsure about whether to buy this or not, and it wasn't until I read the description of the first episode that I realised it was a must have:

Worlds Without End
During a struggle between ACTION FORCE and COBRA an accident triggers an experimental weapon.  ACTION FORCE awaked from the accident to discover they have been transferred to another time, where some things are safe and some are not.

Wow, some things are safe and some are not, eh?  That's a mixed up topsy turvy world to arrive in right there.  What chance does a squad of heavily armed trained killers have in a time and place like that?  And yes, the blurb really does use the word "awaked".  I'm guessing the editor just couldn't give a flying fuck.  Come for the cartoon violence, stay for the shitty grammar, so goes the motto of Action Force.

The episodes are easily as nonsensical as the He-Man episodes we've looked at, but for some reason - probably because I'm unfamiliar with the characters - they just don't do it for me in the same was as dem crazy Masters of the Universe do, and so I doubt we'll be seeing a full episode review any time soon.

Item 4: Neighbours Board Game
Cost: £1.00
Purchased: Cancer Research UK, Fort William

Once again I'm reduced to haggling to get money off the price of a previously owned board game.  Only the homeless guy who used to collect glasses in a local pub free of charge on the understanding he got to pour all the dregs into a dirty bucket and take it away with him after closing can be lower than I. 

Still, back when I picked up the Home & Away Card Game, I knew I had to get my grubby mitts on the Neighbours Board Game, or my collection of games based on Australian soap operas would forever be criminally incomplete, and so I don't regret for one minute the grovelling required to get the price on this baby brought down by a third.  Providing Waddingtons never bought the rights to The Flying Doctors, I think I can safely announce my collection complete.

This game is destined for the full review treatment within the next few months, so I'm not going to go into it in too much detail. Yes, I know you've all heard that before, but I'm organised now, gimme the benefit of the doubt here, people.

It appears that the point of the game is to write an episode of Neighbours, which is frankly right up my street.  A few years ago there used to be a Scottish soap opera called "High Road", which I once submitted a script for.  The show was floundering badly and was heading towards its inevitable axeing, and so I drafted an episode which would surely have turned its fortunes around.

Essentially the episode revolved around the discovery that the village of Glendarroch where the soap was set was secretly ruled over by an enormous talking spider, who appeared in this episode to demand human sacrifices.  This provided the perfect opportunity to get rid of the dead weight among the cast,  replacing them later with a Twin Peaks style group of misfits and weirdoes who would bring with them a wealth of potential stories both sinister and hilarious.

If I'd landed the job my plan would have been to write it in that a human sacrifice MUST be made to the giant talking spider every year on the same date, or the whole of Glendarroch would implode.  This way even if I got sacked and they went back to normality there would be no way around the inclusion of the spider once a year for the remainder of the show's life. 

Sadly it was never to be, and I can only hope that somewhere in the playing of the Neighbours board game opportunity exists to introduce mystical talking arachnids to the ongoing plot.

Incidentally, the back of the box lists what appear to be hooks to three potential stories.  These are:

• Has Mrs Mangel really taken up tap-dancing?
• Why did Harold Bishop dye his hair GREEN?
• Is Scott hiding some DARK secret from Charlene?
  

Now the first two seem light hearted and harmless enough.  That third one though has got me worried.  It's the underlining of the word dark which I find disturbing.  Immediately I suspect Scott's murdered someone, or that he's actually Helen Daniels wearing a suit made out of a dead teenager's skin, but what if it's something worse?  What if he's got four cocks?  And what if each of those four cocks spits a different yet equally potent form of acid?  Poor Charlene.  Suddenly the possibility of being sacrificed to a massive spider seems like the least of the girl's worries.

Anyway, that's yer lot for this month's Charity Shop Tat Bag.  Now that Random Rant has gone monthly we'll really start to rack up the tat, with more piss-stained goodies placed on parade on the 1st day of every month.  All being well I'll be travelling further afield for next month's shopping spree, so be sure to check back to discover what delights I uncover on my upcoming visit to the charity shops of Aberdeen.

Until then you can always play along at home.  Why not take two pound fifty (or whatever your local equivalent may be) and blow it all on second hand stuff in a charity shop near you and post the results in the forum?  You'll be doing your bit for both entertainment AND good causes.  Everyone's a winner.