| Mental Bloke List |
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As part of my job working for 5th Street Poker Magazine I had to recently endure a cruise around Paradise, reporting on the World Poker Showdown Caribbean Cruise. It's a tough job, but then someone has to do it I suppose, and unfortunately in this case that someone is me. I'd much rather be at home watching old Thundercats episodes in my pants, but there you go. So recent is this trip, in fact, that I'm writing this from one of the bars on the ship. It's night time and I'm fed up watching poker so thought I'd let you all know about "Moses". I call him Moses because he called himself by three different names during my conversation with him and that was one of them. The other two were Jake and - worryingly - Baz. In fact after I'd introduced myself he called himself nothing but Baz for the remainder of the conversation. I hope he hasn't assumed my identity. If I get home and find him sleeping with my girlfriend then there are going to be problems. Anyway, before I go any further, allow me to introduce you to Moses...  You can tell he's nuts right from the off, can't you? Whether it's the milky white eye or the hat which proclaims "Jesus is My Buddy!" there's something about Moses which screams "run away!" in a high pitched voice. But the way Moses kept telling random passers by that a nearby palm tree was his boat intrigued me, so I stopped by, had a chat and ended up buying him a hot dog. Actually, if any of you should ever find yourself in Nassau in the Bahamas, then I suggest you try Dorie's hot dogs. She sells them from a really sketchy looking metal cart on the beach for about a dollar each and they're fab. Apparently her hot dogs are "all about God" so it seems like Moses isn't alone in his religious nutterdom. It's good to hear that the Lord has branched out from the whole deity thing and gotten into an industry people are really interested in. Salvation is one thing, but everyone needs fast food. But I digress. Despite having a really thick Caribbean accent which made him nearly incomprehensible, Moses assured me he lived in Manchester until a year ago, and who was I to argue? When I told him I was from Scotland he erupted in the most incredible display of joy I have ever had the good fortune to bear witness to. I'm not kidding, the guy cheered, clapped, did a funny dance, then fell down on his knees and thanked his big Buddy in the sky. I felt dead special so I did. Then he began reciting an enormous list of things he seemed to think were connected to Scotland. As a pro journalist I was fortunately carrying a digital voice recorder with me. As a useless bastard, however, I neglected to switch it on. As a result this list is based on memory and the notes I hurriedly scribbled once I'd finally managed to escape Moses' tractor beam of weird, and is sadly incomplete. If I remember any more I'll add them in. To set the scene properly I should point out that during Moses' list I did nothing but nod and laugh at what I thought were appropriate places.
The list went on for much longer, but sadly the rest of it is probably lost forever in the recesses of my mind. Personally I think "Mermaids" was my favourite, largely because it was added in right at the end of the list as if it was a given that Scotland was famous for it's Mermaids. It was kind of a "and, of course, Mermaids" as if only a fool wouldn't have immediately associated the country of my birth with a mythical half woman, half fish. Moses, I don't know where you are now, but long may your madness continue my wacko Bahamian friend. From the land of hats and itsy bitsy guys, I wish you well. |
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