| Charity Shop Tat Bag 3 |
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Before starting to write this article I found myself torn. Since writing the last Charity Shop article I have made two further shopping trips, filling two more Tat Bags with a selection of goods ranging from the vaguely dull to the absolutely incredible. The reason for making two trips, however, was because the haul from the first spree isn't really all that impressive. Oh sure, it's mildly interesting, and perhaps vaguely amusing, but generally speaking it's just the kind of junk you could pick up at almost any charity shop or jumble sale throughout the land. The Tat Bag trip after that one though, well now that's a different story. I can scarcely believe myself the stuff I bagged on that one, and all from the same shop. I wonder if you can see my dilemma? Do I ditch the less than fantastic stuff in favour of astounding you all with the booty collected on the second spree, or do I make you endure the so-so goods from the first trip and have you all wait a little while longer for the cream? In the end I decided that the entire Tat Bag concept hinges upon total, brutal honesty. If I spend a month's budget, then I must report on what the money went on. If I start missing out items now, what next? Claiming something cost 50p when it actually cost ten times that much? Buying stuff off ebay and pretending I got it in a charity shop? We would be taking our first steps along a dark, dangerous path, and frankly I'm not willing to take that chance. So the items listed below will not be the funniest things you've ever seen, nor even the funniest items that have ever filled the Tat Bag. They're the Joe Average of charity shop purchases, and this is their fifteen minutes of fame. It may even be that they're not that bad at all, but that they just pale into insignificance compared to the next batch of items, which are genuinely going to blow you away. If you thought the contents of Tat Bag 1 were impressive, I can put my hand on my heart and tell you that you ain't seen nothing yet. Anyway, on with this month's assortment of tat...  Item 1: Let Me Die in Drag Purchased: PDSA, Fort William Cost: 25p In the world of literature there are trashy novels, and there are trashy novels. And then there's Let Me Die in Drag by Ed Wood Jnr. Undoubtedly best known for his string of low-budget "masterpieces" including what is regarded by many as the worst film of all time, Plan 9 From Outer Space, this is just one of many novels written by the Angora loving movie maker. As an aside, Plan 9 isn't the worst film of all time, the pant-shittingly poor Rollerblade 7 is. I ritually burned the copy of it I had several years ago, but as soon as I track down another one I'll do a review of it. Then burn the tape again. The fewer copies of that fucker there are out there the better for everyone. But back to this book, which earned me around an 8 out of 10 on the funny look scale when I brought it to the old biddy at the counter to pay for it. Obviously buying a book entitled Let Me Die in Drag instantly identifies me as a sexual deviant. I'm reasonably confident that if the PDSA were in the habit of installing panic buttons under their counters the woman who served me would have pressed it before diving headfirst through the plate glass window behind her. Fortunately the only alarm bells that rang were those in her own senility-fogged head, and so for just twenty five pee I managed to secure what is perhaps the pulpiest of pulp fiction ever to have been published. If the all too disturbing picture on the cover isn't enough to convince you of the book's trashiness, perhaps the blurb from the back cover will. And if it doesn't you're a sick, sick puppy: The Killer sits on Death Row facing that last, long, lonely walk. In the dark hours before dawn, he makes his final request. A ruthless one-time assassin for the sinister Syndicate, he offers his uncensored life story - a tale never before told... a sordid tale of bloody violence and sleaze, organised crime and sex-perversion, bestial lust and gut-wrenching tragedy - in exchange for the fulfillment of his fervent wish... to die as he lived, loved and lost... IN DRAG! I love how they hit you with that last "IN DRAG!" as if this were some kind of shocking and entirely unexpected twist for a book called Let Me Die in Drag. And is it just me or would you rather not hear the guy's story at all? It sounds awful. To be perfectly honest one of the last conversations I want to have is with a middle-aged, unshaven man as he gives me the graphic and uncensored details of his past "sex perversion, bestial lust and gut-wrenching tragedy", particularly if said conversation will then result in the same man donning fishnet stockings and a bra. He'd be going to the chair in a shirt and tie if I had my way. One day I'll bring myself to read this book. One day. But not today. Keeping with the crime theme, but turning down the sexual perversion just a notch, we move swiftly on to Tat Bag item number two...  Item 2: Murder, She Wrote Mystery Jigsaw Puzzle Game Purchased: Cancer Research, Inverness Cost: £1.25 As ginger, chubby faced, poking-their-fucking-nose-in-it crime novelists go, they don't come much more famous than dinner party jinx Jessica Fletcher. How many murders did that woman just "happen" to stumble upon?! Did she even once attend a social event during which someone wasn't brutally slain? And yet from weddings and birthdays to high profile art gallery openings people continued to invite her along, and lo, the spectre of death followed close behind each time. I'm no detective, but if I was I'd be keeping a close eye on Jessica Fletcher. Naturally when the opportunity to follow in Fletcher's footsteps presented itself, I jumped at the chance, even if following in those footsteps inexplicably required me doing a 550 piece jigsaw. I don't recall much in the way of jigsaw construction in the one episode of Murder, She Wrote I ever managed to watch all the way through, but Angela Langsbury in the picture on the box looks like she's just dying for me to start shit with her, so I'm not going to give her the satisfaction. To be fair piecing together the jigsaw is not all that's involved in this "Mystery Jigsaw Puzzle Game", otherwise there would be absolutely no justification for the words "Mystery" and "Game" in the title. As it stands what justification there actually is is tenuous at best. We're talking paper thin here. Literally. You see contained in the box is a four page booklet featuring a tale of murder which Mrs Fletcher naturally happens to find herself embroiled in, and then goes on to solve. Between the story and the jigsaw there are sufficient clues to allow the reader to piece together which of the three suspects dunnit. Or there would have been, had the box for this 550 piece jigsaw contained more than 367 pieces. Naturally I didn't bother attempting an endeavour so clearly destined for failure, although I did manage to get the right suspect purely by guesswork alone. Not that I'm blowing my own trumpet or anything, just letting you know. It's not something I'm likely to list in my top ten greatest achievements. Well, not in my top five greatest achievements, anyway. While messing with my mind and reading without the aid of a mirror the backward printed solution, I was a little concerned to read this paragraph: As Torrence was led away the lieutenant turned to Jessica and said, "Congratulations, Mrs Fletcher. I don't know how you do it!"Whoa there, isn't this guy supposed to be a fairly high ranking police officer? Yet by his own admission he doesn't know how to solve crimes. No wonder crime figures are soaring if that's the standard of our law enforcement officers. Earlier in the story he also "didn't see how it could hurt" to let a complete stranger wander round the scene of a murder investigation, touching everything in sight and even playing back the victim's answering machine messages. He also didn't find it odd that the only message on there was from Jessica Fletcher herself the previous day, telling the victim she was going to come round and see him later that evening. I'd have thought this would put her as suspect number one myself, but no-one questions it. I guess she must've pulled the same "just fucking try it" face she does on the box and anyone who was thinking of saying something quickly buttoned their lip. I'll admit to being a little disappointed at spending over a quid of the budget on a jigsaw with more than 30% of its pieces missing, but then that's what I get for not counting them all right there on the shop floor. I shall know better next time.  Item 3: Thunderbirds International Rescue Game Purchased: Blythswood, Fort William Cost: £1.00 There's little in life which will make you feel quite like such a pikey bastard as when you haggle to get thirty pence off a Thunderbirds board game in a charity shop, but that's what I was reduced to in order to secure the final Tat Bag item. This one is destined for the full review treatment at some point in the (probably distant) future, so I'm not going to go into it in too much detail. Suffice to say the Mr. T Game doesn't seem quite so awful and nonsensical any more. It's hard to make out in the picture, but there's a disclaimer on the box which states "Not all products illustrated are included in this set". No shit, you mean you don't get a full sized Thunderbird 4 in the box? Man I'd built my hopes up that I'd be travelling in style from now on! Ah well, back to the Mondeo again. What the disclaimer should have read is "This illustration bears no relevance whatsoever to the contents of this box" which would have been much closer to the truth. I did, however, find no less than seven hairs in the box, at least six of which appeared to be of the pubic variety, so I'm thinking someone at some point has gotten a little over-excited at the prospect of playing with Lady Penelope. On reflection I should have haggled lower. I've just noticed the Hood's eyebrows. Those are heavy duty. It's like all the hair missing from the rest of his head has congregated just above his eyes. Either that or he's balancing a couple of baby badgers on his forehead. Whatever the explanation, those are some serious 'brows. No wonder he's evil. So that's it. As I said, it's not an exceptional haul, but perhaps I was a little harsh on it earlier, as some of the items are not entirely without their charms. Still, if you want to witness first hand the Charity Shop Tat Bag reaching the absolute pinnacle of excellence, then keep your eyes peeled for the next delve into it, which will likely cause you to stop and take stock of your entire life up until that moment. The next treasure trove of tat honestly is that impressive. Until next time, folks, keep your feet in those charity shops and keep reaching for the tat! Or something. |
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