Way back when I first started the Charity Shop Tat Bag feature, some of you may recall I was somewhat uncertain as to what I could expect to find. Oh sure, on paper the idea seemed funny enough, but the comedy value of tweed jackets and hideous ties would wear off very quickly, so I could only hope that my monthly shopping sprees would turn up some quality goods outwith the usual assortment of second hand stuff to be found in any Charity Shop in the country.
On the very first trip I rolled a double six, landing what I believed at the time to be the single greatest collection of goods ever to be purchased from a Charity Shop. Note the use of the phrase "at the time".
Subsequent trips were less impressive, and I soon had to switch from buying from one store every month to spreading the wealth across a variety of stores in an attempt to get some decent merchandise. At the time, I'll admit, I had my doubts about how long the Tat Bag could continue. Note once again the use of the phrase "at the time".
You see something has happened which has redefined my expectations of Charity Shops. Something has happened which has made me realise the limitless potential of this series of articles. That something, dear reader, is Charity Shop Tat Bag 4.
In the previous Tat Bag I hyped up this one a bit, and think I may even have posted something in the forums about how spectacular the contents of CSTB4 are, but I barely scratched the surface. The four items purchased in Shelter in Inverness are so incredible I can literally feel some kind of cosmic power filling the room whenever they are placed in close proximity. If everything good and pure in the Universe could somehow be harnessed and turned into four second hand items, then the result would be the four you are about to meet below.
My faith has been reaffirmed. I'm once again a believer. As long as there are Charity Shops out there, the Tat Bag shall never die. So take my hand, friend, and follow me to Second Hand Heaven, where the contents of this month's swinging sack of cast offs is about to be revealed...
Item 1: Terrahawks Annual 1989
Purchased: Shelter, Inverness
Cost: 20p
Ah, who can forget the Terrahawks? The wrinkly faced Zelda; the noughts and crosses game during the end credits of each episode; the...er...actually, I can't think of anything else. Hardly surprising, either, since all the evidence in this annual points to the show having been a bag of shit.
It's the usual annual kind of stuff: Stories, puzzles, cartoons, bios of important characters, and - my personal favourite - the "Terrahawks Ticklers" section, in which four members of the team recount amusing incidents which happened to them in the past. Even the most diehard, mentally deficient fan of the show would have difficulty so much as raising a smile at any of these anecdotes. In fact, even calling them anecdotes is giving them infinitely more credit than they deserve. They're just statements. Pointless, unfunny statements. Allow me to demonstrate:
There's not a lot to laugh about when the immediate fate of the whole world may lie in your hands, but the Terrahawks team had plenty of laughs in the various establishments where they learned their specialised skills, and now and then one of them will recount some incident from their past to try to ease the tension.
Captain Mary Falconer joined United Nations Inter Planetary Communications in 2015. She claimed that the force was such a wide racial mix that if the officer at roll call sneezed, six people would report present.
Side-splitting, eh? And is it just me or is there something inherently racist in that second paragraph? Still, only ten years until the UN goes galactic though! I can't wait.
Incidentally, that's the funniest tale recounted by any of the team by a huge margin. I wasn't going to, but I can't resist posting another.
Hiro liked the conversation he heard between two cadets when he was undergoing his military proficiency tests.
"How big is the biggest fighting ship in the UN Combined Air Defence Squad?"
"Exactly what kind of ship?"
"A big one."
"How big?"
And that's it. There the anecdote ends. Can you imagine the pregnant pause which followed him telling it as everyone present sat thinking "Yes, and??" That said, based on the "ticklers" the other Terrahawks tell I'm betting they were rolling in the fucking aisles as Hiro recounted the conversation.
So content wise the Terrahawks annual is hardly out of this world, although even at 27 Zelda still scares the living shit out of me. I'm 27 I mean, not Zelda. She's about a million. Still, I'd never come across a Terrahawks annual in a Charity Shop before (or anywhere else for that matter) and I reckoned that was probably about as good as it was going to get.
Fortunately, I was wrong.
Item 2: Mr. T - Mystery of the Mind Thieves VHS
Purchased: Shelter, Inverness
Cost: 50p
Fifty pence. Fifty. Pence. Fif. Ty. Pen. Ce. That's how much it cost to secure not one, but two episodes of the Mr. T cartoon from 1985 on video! If there is a better bargain available out there, I've yet to find it. At last I can become familiar with all the characters from the Mr. T Board Game and no longer simply refer to them as "the fit one" or "the one that looked like that girl I was in school with"!
Featuring the voice of Mr. T himself (did the guy ever have a day off in the 80's?) the video runs for 46 minutes and tells us two stories - The Mystery of the Mind Thieves, and the much less interesting sounding Mystery of the Rocky Mountain Express. Sadly I haven't found time to watch either of the episodes yet, but the blurb from the back of the box marks it out to be perhaps the greatest work of animated fiction ever:
Mr. T is back. The world's strongest, most awesome man swings into action with his team of globe-trotting gymnasts.
In the "Mystery of the Mind Thieves", a team of scientists is betrayed and brain washed by one of their team. Can Mr. T keep their secrets from the clutches of a foreign power?
In the "Mystery of the Rocky Mountain Express" a virus is stolen by thieves and the team have to face some tough lessons about quitting and running away.
How great do they sound? What I wouldn't give to have a team of globe-trotting gymnasts following me around all the time. You'd think the world's "most awesome man" could have hired someone to give that first episode description a grammatical tune up though.
Once again this one goes into the pile of things from the Tat Bag that I plan giving a full review to. To be honest this one goes up there near the top, so I should actually get round to it at some point. For now, though, just look at the box art again and love it for what it is.
So I'd only spent 70p and already I had the makings of a fantastic Tat Bag. I was confident that even if whatever else I picked up was only averagely good I'd still be able to get a decent enough article out of it. Unfortunately there didn't seem to be anything else of any interest in the shop, which was when I did something rather radical and out of the ordinary.
I wandered over to the clothes section.
Filled with grotesquely patterned dresses and garments which were never in fashion enough to go out of it again, I usually steer clear of the clothing section of Charity Shops, confident that I'm highly unlikely to find anything of any comedy value in there. That day, however, something drew me. Something laid an invisible hand on my shoulder and gently but firmly steered me towards the manky hats and scuffed shoes. I quickly looked around, but there was nothing of interest to be seen. Just as I turned to leave, something caught my eye. Something shiny. Something gold. Something unbelievable...
Item 3: Cannon & Ball Scarf
Purchased: Shelter, Inverness
Cost: 50p
It was at this point that I realised something extraordinary was happening. This was when I realised that a simple visit to a Charity Shop had somehow become something much more cosmically important. This was not an exercise in tat purchasing, this was a life changing moment of hope for the future of mankind. Yes, there are wars, and we're killing the planet as quickly as we kill each other, but none of that mattered. With items such as these turning up it felt like somehow, someday everything was going to be okay. The Gods of the Tat Bag had spoken to me, and what they'd said was "Rock on, Tommy!".
Those of you unfamiliar with UK comedy double act, Cannon & Ball, would be well advised to do a search for them on Google, or to check out their Official Site. Those of you living in the UK and of a similar age group to me will remember growing up with the cheeky chappies, who seemed to be on TV 85% of the time when I were a nipper. Despite this, I don't remember very much about them, apart from always being scared of Tommy Cannon, who I reckon would have your knees off soon as look at you. Oh, and Bobby Ball would play the trumpet at innapropriate moments.
Come to think of it, I believe they also became born again Christians at some point. Or maybe that was Little & Large. I forget.
There's not a lot else I can say about the scarf, other than that it's a Cannon & Ball Scarf, and that for a brief spell it was my favourite item ever purchased from a Charity Shop. Why only for a brief spell? Because I had over a quid left in my pocket and there was one more surprise in store.
Item 4: Mallett's Mallet
Purchased: Shelter, Inverness
Cost: £1.10
I'm tempted to not write anything whatsoever about this item, and instead just let the picture speak for itself, but I fear that would alienate everyone who didn't watch Wac-A-Day in the mid-80's and who as a result don't have a clue what "Mallett's Mallet" actually is.
It is my great pleasure to introduce the ignorant who walk among you then to former children's television presenter, Mr. Timothy Mallett:
I know what you're thinking. "Christ, what an arsehole". And until recently I'd have agreed with you. I'd have said that the arseholeness of Timmy Mallett is beyond dispute. That he's the kids' TV presenter who makes even other kids' TV presenters go "look at the fucking state of that" when he comes on telly. Now, however, call Timmy Mallett an arsehole in my presence and you'd likely find yourself on the receiving end of a God Almighty kick in the nuts.
Timmy Mallett is a gentleman and a genius, and if you don't understand that then it's because he's too far over your head for you to stand a chance of seeing behind the gaudy exterior and novelty hat which cause hellish contrast problems whenever he walks on screen.
Not that he's on screen much these days, you understand. Television's year of the Mallett has very much come and gone, but his legacy remains.
To some that legacy is a high-pitched, irritating voice and mugging like a half-wit to the camera. To others it's twatty glasses, Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini, or a budgie named Magic. To most, however, Timmy's true gift unto the world was Mallett's Mallet.
A quick thinking, fast talking, word association game which in many respects glorified physical violence towards children, Mallett's Mallet was THE game all the kids wanted to play back in the mid-80's, despite the fact all you ever won was a sticking plaster with your own name on it. Man, budgets must have been tight back in those days.
Basically two children sat opposite each other and took it in turns to try to come up with a word which was in some way related to the one directly before it. So for example, if the starting word or phrase was "Tommy Boyd", child number one might reasonably respond with "frightening". Child number two might then continue the chain with "murderer", and so on. Obviously this was not the way they explained the rules on the show, but the essence remains the same.
Fail to come up with a word quickly enough, repeat a word, say "erm" or come out with something utterly nonsensical and justice would be swiftly dispensed by Timmy and the large pink mallet he proudly wields in the picture above, and which I now own.
Now I'm not for one second saying that this is the very same mallet used by Timmy on the show. That would be foolish. What it is, though, is a 100% officially licensed Mallett's Mallet, which is pretty much the next best thing. Timmy was bound to have personally overseen the production of these in some Asian sweatshop somewhere, instructing his 12 year old staff members on a daily basis that if they didn't work to full efficiency they'd be getting "a bash on the head like this...or like THIS!".
As hammers go, it's not quite up there with Mjolnir, the hammer of Thor, but it's damned close. While it doesn't empower me with the ability to create thunder, fly, or walk among the Gods, it does look lovely on my shelf, so each has their own individual strengths. The day I brought this home, the kitsch value of my house climbed about 11%, and it was already pretty high in the first place. Unquestionably the greatest Charity (or any other kind of) Shop find I have ever made.
So there we have it. Without a doubt the finest of the Charity Shop Tat Bags we have opened together. What's more, the person who served me in Shelter was an attractive twenty-something woman, as opposed to the Zelda-likes I usually get, so that was a bonus. Admittedly even if I had been angling for her phone number or anything she'd be unlikely to give it to someone who'd just haggled 40p off the price of a Mallet's Mallet, but nonetheless it was nice to be served by someone who wasn't teetering on the very brink of death.
Join me next month when I'll spectacularly fail to so much as come close to matching the quality of the items above. I'm sorry to end this on such a downer, but let's face facts, we're never going to get anything of this standard in a Tat Bag again.
Or are we...?
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