| That's Shit - May |
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Surprise surprise, a new batch of stuff has pissed me off, and I'm here with the sole intention of inflicting them upon you. Please, don't thank me. It's been a hectic few weeks in the world of things which are shit, with literally hundreds of things fighting to be featured in this list. From miscarriages of justice to disease and poverty, there's something shit at every turn, and it's a hard task to try to narrow them down to the top three, let me tell you. Still, I suppose someone's got to do it, and since no-one else seems to be bothering their arse the job falls to me. Come then, my friends, gather round. Join me. Take my hand and look inside my magic box. Of shit.  3. Vintage Car DriversFirst of all let me say I have no real problem with vintage cars as things to look at. Some of them look quite impressive in their own way. They'd be perfect for a travel museum somewhere, I'm sure. What I do have a problem with, however, is the people who drive them. You know the ones. Usually either upper class or with desperate dreams of being, the begoggled in-breds usually travel in packs of ten or more, with each car so close to the one in front it's impossible to overtake them, despite the fact they struggle to reach speeds in excess of ten miles per hour. But even that's not the main reason for hating them. No, what really gets me about vintage car drivers is when you talk to them they act as if you are the freak for driving a modern car. They scoff in that braying horse like way if you say you drive anything manufactured after 1950, or which boasts seats made of anything other than wood. This is despite the fact that my car is A) faster B) safer C) more comfortable, and D) better to drive than their "classics". Not to mention my car has air conditioning, where their car does not, my car has a stereo, where their car does not, my car has thousands of mechanics available to service it, where their car does not... And let's not forget, their car is driven by a jumped up little twat, where my car is...er...also. Okay, time to move on.  2. People Who Start a Regular Monthly Feature and then Fail to Continue it After the First MonthYes, it would have been remiss of me to leave myself off this month's league table of shit, what with starting the feature in March and failing to provide an update of any kind during April. In fact I didn't write any new articles during April at all. I'd feel bad if any of you were paying me for this stuff. You see much as I'd like nothing more than to dedicate my life to providing low brow amusement via these hallowed pages, sometimes - just sometimes - real life creeps in and gets in the way, often by demanding I pay bills of some description, or purchase food in order to survive. So until such times as someone will pay me a regular and handsome income to do nothing but write a new article here every day, updates are going to be as sporadic and unpredicatable as an orgasming epileptic. With a gun. Sorry. It's out of my hands. That said, it is a bit rubbish of me not to do anything on the site in almost two months, so I will try to commit to throwing some comedy scraps your way every month at the very least, even if it be just a badly photoshopped image of Christopher Biggins' head stuck on a naked woman's body. Despite not doing anything here I have actually been quite productive in other places, working my fingers to the bone like a particularly poorly treated ginger stepchild. Hopefully all my efforts will lead to untold wealth, thereby allowing me to pay someone to ghost write for me while I lounge on any one of the many beaches on my own private island paradise.  1. People Who Consider Things from 2003 to be RetroThere are probably lots of people who do this, but for me the perfect example is those two merry japesters, JK and Joel from the Radio 1 Chart Show. It seems every time I listen to this pair they make my blood boil in my veins, as anger and rage and seething hatred swell up from deep within my gut, mixing together, forcing electric sensations of pure SHUT THE FUCK UP BAZ. Sorry, don't know what happened there. Where was I? Ah yes, JK and Joel. Quite by chance I ended up listening to Radio 1 in the car for a few minutes one recent Sunday afternoon, and was unfortunate enough to be subjected to this couple of fucking clowns banging on about some shit or other. Yes, that's how much attention I paid them. Eventually it registered with me that they were doing some kind of competition, where you had to guess the "retro year" the tracks they were playing came from. Yes, I thought it was a top 40 chart show, too, so where this came from I have no idea. Anyway, I caught two of the "retro" tracks they were playing - 'Cry Me a River' by Justin Timberlake and 'Danger! High Voltage' by Electric 6. Retro? They're both from 2003. It is now - for the benefit of those of you reading this 20 years in the future - 2006. Three years. Three years from cutting edge chart toppers to being classed as retro by two chuckling muppets on the radio. Back when I was a lad, retro was the 60's and 70's. Nowadays, we can include the 80's in that, and possibly even the first couple of years of the 90's. But not 2003. Retro can't have caught us up, surely? What happens next, is it going to overtake us? Will next year suddenly become retro? Will JK and Joel have us looking back retrospectively at the distant future? They're fucking with time, people. They must be stopped before you and I and everyone we know and love are turned retro live on Radio 1. Retro's coming for us, my friends, and if JK and Joel have their way, it's already here. The League Standings for May  |
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