| Hordak Reviews . . . Sweets |
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Hey bitches! Hordak here, leader of the Evil Horde and former mentor of Skeletor. When I'm not fucking She-Ra's shit up OLD SCHOOL I like to cast my critical eye over all manner of products. My critical eye is my left eye, by the way. My right eye? That's got a laser beam that'll melt them big man-titties of yours right off if you fuck with my shit. I'm not threatening or nothing. I'm just saying. You fuck with Hordak's shit, you lose them man-titties. I'm just saying. Today I'm looking at some revolting sweets. At least they claim to be revolting, but then you're looking at a man who eats green slime for breakfast. Slime made out of babies. And ugly babies at that. You know those ones with the big puffy faces, with all little bits of skin peeling off and that crusty stuff round their eyes and shit? Those babies. I'm one badass ugly-baby eating sonbitch! Any of you freaks able to turn your body into a rocket, by the way? No? No-one? I CAN. Eat that!  Up first it's Bursting Bugs - insect shaped gums with a liquid centre. Doesn't sound so revolting to me. Penis shaped gums with a diarrhea centre, now that would be revolting. Of course, I wouldn't eat it, because unlike you, I'm not a fag. Holy shit, one of the things has burst all over the inside of the bag. Everything is sticky. That's not on. Rowntrees and it's parent corporation, Nestle, shall feel the unbridled wrath of Hordak! Mark my words! Let's see how a fortnight in the Fright Zone suits those confectionery producing bitches! Bursting Bugs aren't revolting at all. They're actually quite nice. Which means I HATE THEM! I do like to pretend these bugs are actually He-Man's bug friend Buzz Off as I munch on them though. I'd love to get Buzz Off in my mouth and suck out all his sticky juice! Man oh man, I hate those pesky Masters of the Universe! What's next?  Xtra Sour Spiders? What's with the spelling? If there's one thing Hordak hates more than that infernal Princess of Power it's poor spelling. And Kim Wilde. Two things. These aren't sour! They're not even a little bit sour, never mind Xtra sour! What just because something's 6% apple juice and dusted with Carminic acid you think that makes it sour? Imbeciles! Try sucking the paralysing venom from the prolapsed anus of an Etherian Thnakwhumper, my friend, then we'll talk sour. Or we would if your puny human stomachs didn't instantly implode upon swallowing. Now we're at the big guns. Now we seperate the boys from the men. Now we eat us a fucking massive eyeball.  Or we would be if I could get into the bastard. This packaging dares defy the Mighty Hordak! Perhaps a blast from my tittie melting eye laser shall-- Oh no, you just pull that bit. I see. The packaging advises caution with it's stark "chew before swallowing" warning. Pah! Hordak never chews before swallowing! Hordak swallows and then chews! Okay, in this instance I might make an exception, since this eyeball is bigger than my head. Ooh fuck, this one really is revolting. It's like eating a giant ball of ass. Why would anyone want to eat this? I can't even swallow the fucker, I'm going to have to spit it out. One sec. Back now. Jesus. You earth people eat that shit? You're crazy. And this is coming from a guy with a human leech as his right hand man. Anyway, join me again on Hordak Reviews when I'll be looking at something else. And stealing your motherfucking souls!! Hordak. x |
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