| Stuff I Wanted for Christmas . . . |
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...but never actually got "Life, oh life," sang Des'ree in her 1999 hit of the same name. What she didn't go on to add was: "is full of crushing, agonising disappointment", but for the purposes of this article, let's pretend she did. As a child of the 1980s I experienced both the pleasure and pain of growing up surrounded by some of the greatest toys ever crafted by the hand of man. The pleasure - of course - came about whenever I managed to get my gnarled, claw like mitts on any of these objects of beauty and wonder. The pain? Those toys I didn't get. Those toys I never received, despite fantasizing endlessly about them while others my age were busy masturbating over Daphne from Neighbours. Living in the arse-end of nowhere, and without the internet to turn to, finding many of the toys shown during the Wac-a-Day ad breaks was no easy task. So when Christmas came around I would tend to send the big guy a list that ran to two or three sheets of A4. Try as he might, even Santa couldn't always meet my overblown demands, and many of the heavy hitters of my Crimbo lists never made it down my chimney. Because it's almost Christmas, and as a way of explaining to Mr and Mrs Claus why I burned those effigies of them on Boxing Day 1986, I thought I'd list the top five things I wanted to find under my tree, but never actually did. So . . . er . . . here they are. Damn, that was smooth. 1. Snake Mountain  Produced by Mattel in the mid 1980s, Snake Mountain was so ball-shatteringly fantastic it made Castle Grayskull look like a shitty plastic castle shaped a bit like a demon's skull. In case you're not up on your Masters of the Universe lore, Snake Mountain was the evil stronghold of Skeletor, He-Man's arch nemesis and all round cackling retard. While still adhering to Grayskull's big spooky face theme, Snake Mountain upped the ante by adding several more plastic faces, and then giving some of them the ability to spit molten lava. Or tap water. Whichever was more readily available to the ten year old playing with the set at the time. Snake Mountain had gimmicks coming out of its purple, lead-painted ass, but without doubt its biggest selling point was the in-built microphone which let you sound like Skeletor. For those who missed that I'll say it again in bolder font: IT HAD A MICROPHONE THAT LET YOU SOUND LIKE SKELETOR! Okay, when I say it let you sound like Skeletor I'm exaggerating a bit. If anything it just made your voice a bit more echoey, but to a nine year old in the 80s that was the equivalent of having a hamster that shits nuggets of gold. In fact, let's face it, what kid could have seen this and not wanted the thing? Sadly it wasn't to be, and I have yet to get my hands on Skeletor's big purple palace. Snake Mountain, I salute you and still think fondly of the good times we almost had. 2. Star Wars AT-AT  Another one that got away, The Empire Strikes Back's AT-AT walker was probably the largest of all the Star Wars toys available in the original Kenner line. Nowadays, of course, you can buy Yoda figures larger than the AT-AT, but back then this was the Big Daddy of all SW related merchandise. Having absolutely no concept of money when this was released I have no idea how much it cost, but whatever it was it was surely worth it. Not only did it have movable legs, it could also carry up to twelve - count 'em, twelve - action figures in relative comfort. Even more impressive, it had light up, chin mounted guns which moved backwards and forwards at the press of a button, allowing you to massacre any number of Rebel troops at will. My next door neighbour had the AT-AT, and I remember it being the size of a small dog. I also remember being jealous to the point of wishing him death, and being utterly devastated when one of these big grey bastards failed to turn up on Christmas morning. I did get the Millennium Falcon though, so I shouldn't complain too much. Check out the advert for the AT-AT below. I'd apologise for the shitty quality of the video, but it's fuck all to do with me. She sure is purty, ain't she? 3. Story Telling Alf  God how I loved that furry bastard from Melmac, to the extent I spent upwards of a month in 1988 eating nothing but cats and saying 'Ha!' in a loud, obnoxious voice to everyone I met. I was Alf obsessed, but sadly my Alien Life Form toy collection consisted of a single clip-on miniature teddy thing with a distorted plastic head and fur that was more green than brown. Imagine, then, the state of euphoria I found myself in the day I saw Story Telling Alf backchatting me from the TV. Standing fuck knows how tall, and produced by Christ knows who, Alf featured a dirty great hole in his back into which you inserted a cassette tape. Once the tape was inserted a very special - and vaguely terrifying - transformation took place. The toy came alive! More or less. I'm not saying it had feelings or a preference for Indian food over Chinese or anything, but it moved a bit and spoke, which is a damn sight more than most of my other toys did. Lazy fuckers. In the advert that follows you can see why I was so blown away. Alf isn't just talking, he's conversing. He's telling the gaggle of geeks surrounding him how much fun he's having. I wanted Alf to tell me how much fun I was! Though I could have done without the sarcastic 'Ha!' tagged on at the end if I'm honest. Anyway, he's in this article, so obviously I didn't get him. I did get an Impossiball - the ball with a mind of it's own - that year though, which was all kinds of fun. For about eight seconds. 4. Rhino from M.A.S.K.  There was something about M.A.S.K. figures that made them infinitely cooler than any other action figures available. They may even be the coolest range of action figures of all time, though the jury's still out on that one. Was it their diminutive size? Their removable helmets? Their chewable legs? Probably a combination of all three. What truly set the toys apart from others of the time, though, was the assortment of vehicles available. If anything the figures themselves were merely accessories to the transforming cars, bikes and boats, which ranged from the sublime to the fucking ludicrous. The daddy of 'em all, though, was Rhino - a dirty great truck with a concealed missile launching platform tucked safely inside. Driven by closeted homosexual partners, Matt Tracker and Bruce Sato, Rhino was the M.A.S.K. boys' greatest weapon in the fight against things flying directly above them - not in front of them, or behind them, and certainly not off to the side. Above them and above them only. This was not the first example of M.A.S.K. incorporating some serious design flaws in their hardware. Their main headquarters were disguised as a fully functioning petrol station, which they cunningly built on the site of an active volcano. Even at the age of eight I grasped the concept that refined petroleum and boiling lava did not a good combination make. Check out the ad below to see why I wanted this. I was convinced within two seconds of the ad starting - it seems Rhino is so impressive it inspired the Matt Tracker and Bruce Sato figures to perform a choreographed dance routine of sheer, unbridled joy. My cumbersome, laser firing hats off to you, gents. 4. Gizmo the Mogwai  Let me make one thing clear now - I wasn't looking for a toy this time. I wanted an genuine, bona fide, living, breathing Mogwai of my very own, and it went down on my Santa list, despite my parents' suggestion that I shouldn't be such a knob-end. So convinced was I that I'd find Gizmo poking his cute little head out of my stocking on Christmas morning that I actually interrupted the Nativity play my class was performing to the rest of the school in order to let them know. I can still remember the echoing, bewildered silence even now. Needless to say I didn't get a Mogwai. At the time I assumed the spooky-eyed Mr Wing had simply decided I was not ready for the responsibility. In hindsight, however, it's probably because they don't exist. Whatever the reason, it was a crushing disappointment which I've yet to fully recover from. This video clip helps though. A bit. So there you have it. Ironically I probably like all those things now solely because I didn't ever get them as a child. The Snake Mountains and Story Telling Alfs of this world might appear fantastic in the ads, but in reality they're probably -- Oh, who am I kidding? Santa, you're a bastard! Baz@rr |
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