| Hordak Reviews . . . DVDs |
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You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry, you'd better not pout I'm telling you why - Hordak is going to eat your mother's soul! Hey there losers, it's me, Hordak, leader of the evil Horde and all round badass motherfucker, back with the second in my series of Hordak Reviews. Christmas is a special time of year for me here on Etheria. Every December 25th I get a warm feeling inside. Whether I'm stuffing and carving up the Christmas virgin, or roasting midgets on an open fire, I can't help but feel there's something magical in the air. When Baz called me up and asked me to review some Christmas DVDs I said yes, expecting maybe Nun Killer III, or amateur footage of some dude kicking a bomb up a reindeer's ass. What did he send? Check it out for yourself. I'm going to kill that homo when I see him. 1. Miracle on 34th Street  Oooh boy. As soon as I saw the cover to this one I knew even the mighty Hordak couldn't handle this on his own. I'd need moral support, or at least someone to hold my ear flap things back when I puked. Enter this fuckhole:  This is Grizzlor, the most useless of all my minions. I called him in to watch the movies with me. That fuzzball fag will do anything I say. Seriously. Anything. Grizzlor: Hi, I'm Grizzlor! I'll be joining Hordak in this review! Can I just start by saying what a pleasure it is to-- Hordak: Shut it, you hairy fuck! I'm in charge here. You don't get to speak unless I want you to speak. Grizzlor: What? But how will I know if you want me to speak? Hordak: Trust me, asswipe, you'll know. You'll know so hard it'll be coming out of your goddamned eyes! Understand? Grizzlor: ... Hordak: I wanted you to speak then. Grizzlor: Did you? I wasn't sure. Hordak: Jesus. Okay, from now on if I want you to speak I'll point and wink. Grizzlor: Why point AND wink? Why not just point? Hordak: I can't point without winking. Grizzlor: What? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Hordak: It's an affliction, you insensitive fuck! So from now on when I want you to speak I'll point and wink, okay? Grizzlor: ... Hordak: OKAY?! Grizzlor: You didn't point and wink! Hordak: WE HADN'T STARTED!!! Grizzlor: Okay, sorry, sorry. Start now. Hordak: I'll decide when we fucking start, thank you very much! I'm the boss, remember? I'm in charge. Grizzlor: ... Hordak: Well? Do you remember or-- Oh, for fuck's sake. There. Happy? Grizzlor: Thanks. I remember you're in charge, yes. Hordak: Asshole. Okay, where were we? That was a rhetorical question, by the way, don't answer that. Grizzlor: I know, you didn't point and wink. Hordak: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Jesus Christ. Grizzlor: Sorry. Hordak: I swear if you say another word I'm going to shave you bald. You got that? Grizzlor: ... Hordak: YOU GOT THAT?! Grizzlor: ... Hordak: Good. Right, this DVD then. Miracle on 34th Street. Homos on Gay Street, more like! Haha. Bow before the razor wit of Hordak! The story's about some whiney-assed little girl who meets a dirty old paedo (Dickie Attenborough in a role that was made for him) and then starts to believe he's Santa Claus. Trust me, he ain't Santa Claus. Either that or Modulok has been bumming the wrong guy over in the Fright Zone twice a day for the past four years. Some other shit happens, and Dickie almost winds up in jail, but is saved by more whiney assed kids who send letters to his trial saying they believe he's Santa. Idiots. What kind of legal system are they running in that city? I mean a 'trial'? What the fuck is a 'trial'? They're making things complicated for the sake of it. Capture, restrain, ruthlessly penetrate. That's the system I've always used, and it's served me well for years. I don't know what happens at the end, I didn't make it that far. I'd rather watch Leech shitting on a glass coffee table than watch this film from start to finish. Then again, I'd rather watch Leech shitting on a glass coffee table than a lot of things. The film was still piss poor, though. Grizzlor, what did you think? Grizzlor: ... Hordak: I asked you a question you worthless piece-- Oh, yeah. I forgot. Grizzlor: I quite liked it. The bit with the deaf girl was very touching. Hordak: Yeah, you like touching, don't you? You like touching guy's asses. Fag. Grizzlor: No I don't. Hordak: Shut the fuck up. I wasn't pointing. Let's see what's next ... 2. The Santa Clause  When I heard that - get down from there, you fuck! When I heard that Santa dies in this film I was expecting some grade A good times. How would he die? Slowly from a gunshot wound to the bowel? Ripped to pieces by stray dogs? Consumed from within by an Etherian Gutmuncher? The possibilities were endless! Then the fat bitch fell off a roof and landed in a pile of snow. What, that was it?! That's how they chose to kill him off? They should have come to me, I'd have given them better ideas than that. Two words: Testicular electrocution. Trust me, the kids would've loved it. I lost interest after that. If I want to watch a fat guy getting hairier and hairier I just have to look at this fuck sat here beside me. You listening to me there, chuckles? I'm calling you a hairy fat fuck and you can't say a word. Not a word. And stop pulling that face. You can't pull faces unless I point to you with my other hand. Anyway, what did you think of the film? Grizzlor: I thought it was all right. Hordak: Fucking asshole. Let's meet our third and final film. 3. The Muppet Christmas Carol  Michael Caine's in this. Grizzlor does a fantastic Michael Caine. Grizzlor, do your Michael Caine. This is brilliant! Go on, Grizzlor, let them hear it. Grizzlor: Hello. My name is-- Hordak: I WASN'T POINTING!! Grizzlor: AAH! Stop it, get off! You're hurting me! Hordak: Well learn to fucking listen then! You don't talk unless I do what? Grizzlor: P-point. AAAAH!! Hordak: I wasn't pointing then either, was I?? I swear I'm going to fuck your shit up, old school if you don't start doing what I say. And stop crying. You can only cry if I nod my head at you and blink both eyes, starting now. Anyway, here we've got The Muppet Christmas Carol - an adaptation of the Charles Dickens novel, featuring puppets so irritating they make you want to gouge your eyes out with your ears. It's not without its good points though. That Scrooge is my kinda guy for most of the film, then he goes and fucks it all up by giving a turkey to a cripple. If I had my way the movie would end with him kicking the little fuck's crutches away and throwing his writing body on a fire, but apparently that would be taking liberties with the original text. What, like making one of the main characters a dancing frog isn't taking liberties? At least mine would have been for artistic reasons. Grizzlor, what did you think? Grizzlor: I want to go home. Hordak: So there you have it. Three Christmas movies given the Hordak review treatment. Watch any one of them and not only will you be disappointed, you'll also die by my hand. Join me again - but without this sobbing shitstain next time - when I'll be looking at something else. Until then don't forget: I see you when you're sleeping, I know when you're awake, I know when you've been bad or good, and Grizzlor likes it up the ass. Grizzlor: That was uncalled for. Hordak: Shut the fuck up. Merry Christmas, everyone! Love, Hordak x |
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