RandomRant - Stalking Mike Baldwin

Stalking Mike Baldwin

Below are four letters sent to Mike Baldwin, a fictional character from UK soap opera, Coronation Street. My full name and address were provided in each letter, but I've removed them from the versions shown here in case one of the estimated eight million nutters on the internet should take it upon themselves to come round my house and skin my family alive. I can't be having with that. Otherwise the letters are reproduced word for word.

To: Mike Baldwin c/o Granada Studios
Sent: 15th March 2004

Dear Mike,

You are my Dad’s cousin. Please can you send me a lock of your hair?

Regards,

Baz@rr

To: Mike Baldwin c/o Granada Studios
Sent: 17th March 2004

Dear Mike,

Further to my previous correspondence, I have not received a lock of your hair. Please could you send one on ASAP? You are my Dad’s cousin.

Thanks,

Baz@rr

P.S. Sorry your factory burned down.

To: Mike Baldwin c/o Granada Studios
Sent: 20th March 2004

Dear Mike,

I have still not received the lock of your hair I requested in my previous letters to you. May I remind you that you are my Dad’s cousin? Did all those happy times growing up with him mean nothing?

Your prompt attention to this matter would be greatly appreciated. It has been three days since my last letter.

Regards,

Baz@rr

To: Mike Baldwin c/o Granada Studios
Sent: 22nd March 2004

Mike,

What’s your fucking game? This is the fourth time I’ve written to ask for a lock of your hair and still you haven’t replied. What’s up with that? I know you’re a busy man and that running a moderately successful lingerie firm takes up a lot of your time, but come on – how long does it really take to oversee the production of pants? Honestly? Don’t you get breaks? Couldn’t you during one of those breaks take a few seconds to snip off a lock of your hair, deposit it in one of the pre-paid addressed envelopes I’ve sent with every letter and then have Janice Battersby or someone drop it in a post box? I’m not asking for miracles here, Mike. Maybe if you spent more time in the office and less time making eyes at that slut Deirdre Rachid you’d find yourself able to get the day’s work done much quicker so you could fulfil requests for your hair without constant prompting and goading. Considering you’re my Dad’s cousin I expected more from you.

Please give this matter your URGENT ATTENTION.

Regards,

Baz@rr

P.S. On a lighter note I have made a paper mache mask of your face. I enclose a picture of me wearing it.